[Sum-up Stories]

Let's Be Friends

2011-09-24T13:44:00.000-05:00

Aaron hoped she understood that when he told her that he "sincerely wished to stay friends" in the context of their breakup, he meant facebook friends.

Did he really need to spell it out for her? Saying it so explicitly seemed somehow cruel.

My Love Does Not Allow

2011-09-18T11:25:00.000-05:00

If someone I wanted to date wanted to own a dog, that would be dealbreaker for me.

Amy told me that if I really loved someone, I wouldn't care that they wanted--no, needed--to be a dog owner. That my love would transcend my aversion to dogs.

I know she believes what she said, because the same thing happened to her, except with cats.

But I can't imagine that kind of love. I don't think I have it in me.

It's Always Nice to Have an Explanation

2011-08-11T22:15:00.001-05:00

"Maybe this is why I was crying today!" she yelled, brandishing a nearly empty pack of birth control.

Naked Yoga? Naked Yoga.

2011-07-20T22:39:00.003-05:00

Tamar: I've been hearing a lot about naked yoga lately.
Jane: Naked yoga. Is that a thing?
Tamar: It totally is.
Diana: I hope everyone brings their own mats.

Jeggings?

2011-06-02T22:57:00.002-05:00

"Those are jeggings!?" Diana said, very impressed. "They just look like regular jeans."

"Keep your voice down!" Emma whispered. She didn't want her cover blown.

You and the Cake

2011-05-17T18:28:00.001-05:00

"I just want you and the cake to be at the beach with the fire," she typed, wondering if that string of words had ever been texted before. Someone else is probably texting those very words right now. She took an odd comfort in this thought even though it wasn't true.

Some People Just Multiply

2011-05-15T22:16:00.001-05:00

They say when I drink I'm Zelda times ten.

I'd like to think it's a good thing. But I'm afraid it's a breach of moderation in some horrible, foreshadowing way. I will be ruined by literary devices, I know it. Can't just charleston my pretty little way out of this one.

Some people just multiply.

A Poem My Twin Sister Wrote When We Were Seven

2011-05-10T11:34:00.000-05:00

I sit and sit in front of the TV.
Nothing good. Nothing bad.
Lonely me, in front of the TV.

The Pretty Girl Who Doesn't Know

2011-05-09T17:43:00.001-05:00

"I'm like the pretty girl who doesn't know she's pretty," he said.

Emma wondered why he opted for that simile over the-cute-boy-who-doesn't-know-he's-cute. She asked.

"I didn't know that was a thing."

It is a thing. It is so very much a thing.

In Transition

2011-05-08T16:59:00.002-05:00

The transition into friendship had gone smoothly. It was almost spooky, if you thought about it for too long and you were in the right--or maybe the wrong--mood.

It was as if all those sitcoms where people stop dating and immediately become best friends were actually true. Of course, in those shows, every so often there might be a look of longing, a pinched eyebrow of regret. But these were fleeting sensations. Never verbalized. Never actually acknowledged other than in the soundtrack swelling slightly.

BCD

2011-04-28T18:55:00.002-05:00

This gem was overheard by my friend Rachel Hinton in a Starbucks near UC Irvine:

girl: i can't wait to get my boobs. i'll look good in clothes and in bathing suits and lingerie and i'll just have a great summer.
guy: how big are you gonna go?
girl: i think, like, a full b. maybe up to a c.
(they start looking at pictures online of...i don't know? girls with boob jobs?)
guy: this is my friend. she got a d.
girl: oh my god, what a whore.

Cover Your Mouth

2011-02-24T14:57:00.001-06:00

"You don't swear much, do you?"
"I guess not. Though last Tuesday I said 'fuck' in the direction of car while I was on my bike."
"In the direction of, but not at..."
"That's what I said."
"That reminds me--my go-to biking song these days is 'Fuck You.'"
"Do the drivers take it the wrong way?"
"Not when I'm wearing my balaclava."

There's a difference

2011-02-24T14:54:00.001-06:00

"It's not a board game," Diana insisted. "It's a casual card game."

Cat

2011-02-24T14:52:00.002-06:00

There were concerns, for sure. She no longer had an appetite for the wet food that had once so excited her. She couldn't jump up onto the kitchen chair on her first try anymore. She began to stink of mildew, as if she were prematurely decomposing. There were many signs, and yet it still was a dreadful shock that all this was ending.

Redundantly Yours

2010-08-26T18:19:00.001-05:00

"He's just the kind of guy," she started. How to describe him? "Well. He's just the kind of guy who goes through the birthday wishes on his Facebook wall and 'likes' them all."

"Oh. Isn't that sort of redundant?"

"That's just it. Redundantly good."

Know Your Place

2010-08-25T22:25:00.001-05:00

Don't do that. Don't pull up slightly ahead of my front wheel and try to pass me when the light turns. I'm a racing bike and you're just a hybrid, honey. Someone had to win this and we both knew it wasn't going to be you.

Not My Flash Ficiton

2010-07-23T09:30:00.000-05:00

I feel compelled, for the first time ever, to link to another blog. Here is my friend's blog post in which she interviews Barack Obama.

It reminds me of the interview with Colin Firth in the second Bridget Jones' book.

Both of these interviews are definitely worth your time, kind readers.

MY Pomegranate

2010-06-27T22:55:00.000-05:00

Jane labeled her pomegranate, as you do.

Shoes Touch Bedspread

2010-04-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

When she got a new pair of shoes, even though part of her wanted to wear them outside right away, she waited. She waited at least a week because she knew that the excitement of wearing her new shoes outside could only be topped by the excitement of wearing her shoes in her bed. There is a very small window after attaining shoes and before wearing them outdoors. This window is the only Emily Post approved time to let shoes touch bedspread.

Perfect Day Destroyed

2010-04-12T15:07:00.000-05:00

"What a perfect day!" she said.

Just as the words left her mouth, she realized her feet were asleep.

Passover Dinner

2010-03-29T17:00:00.001-05:00

Diana thought she'd wear her skirt with the tight, high waist to dinner to remind herself: DO NOT OVEREAT. She told herself that this time--this time--she wouldn't unbutton the top button after the main course.

"How is this night different from all other nights?"* cousin Laura asked because she was the youngest.

"I wish I knew," mumbled Diana as she preemptively unbuttoned her top button.

*The beginning of the "Four Questions," a prayer sang by the youngest person present and able during the Passover Seder.

Jenny's Shoes

2010-03-04T11:05:00.001-06:00

After Jenny's job interview, she and Jane walked around for an hour before Jane noticed.

Jenny's shoes don't match. Not even close. They're both black flats, but the realm of black flats is expansive. In this particular case, the right one is patent leather and slightly square-toed. In contrast, a large bow adorns her matte-finished, rounded-toe left shoe.

Jane observed aloud: "Those are different shoes."

Jenny then informed Jane that they were both the left shoe of the pair.

Better and better.

"Didn't the people on the job interview--you know--notice?" Jane asked.

Jenny proudly responded that they liked her so much they hired her on the spot. "I want to take a picture of us!" Jenny announced. She pulled a heavy wool sock out of her purse and from that removed her camera.

Like the Ocean

2010-03-04T06:22:00.001-06:00

"It looks like the ocean," the French man said as they flew over Lake Michigan.

"Yes," Diana agreed. "But it doesn't taste like the ocean, or feel like the ocean when you get it in your eye."

Post-apocalyptic Book Club

2010-02-25T01:19:00.000-06:00

Most of the people in the post-apocalyptic book club are cool. Except that one guy. He keeps on suggesting we read apocalyptic books. That would be just splendid if that were the aim of this book club. But it's not. Sure, it's fine if there's a small bit about how the world ends as exposition, but what we really want to focus on is that whole question of: "Everything's over--and now what?"

All he wants is destruction.

Well Aren't You a Regular Sherlock Holmes

2010-02-19T15:08:00.000-06:00

Kasey insisted that the boy in the wheelchair could walk.

"No honey. Sometimes little boys and girls cannot walk. That's why they have to use chairs like that. Sometimes they're born like that and sometimes..."

"But he can WALK!" Kasey loudly proclaimed within earshot of the wheelchair-bound boy and his family.

"Kasey Marie! You're being inappropriate." Kasey's mother was about to describe the punishment that was in store for Kasey as soon as they returned home. No internet. No reading her favorite books. But then, the boy in the wheelchair jumped up, chased his brother to a nearby grassy area, and expertly tackled him.

"SEE!?" Kasey demanded to her mother.

"But how did you know?"

Wasn't it obvious? "The bottom of his shoes were worn away."

Love Letter

2010-02-15T16:54:00.000-06:00

I like holding your hand when we ride together on the bike path at night. I'm not even that embarrassed when the hard-core bikers speed around us.

Double-Decker Decap

2010-01-28T16:39:00.004-06:00

He liked her, but he didn't know why. Anyway, he didn't know if he could believe any word she said because the first time they met, she told him a story about a boy in her school getting decapitated on a double-decker bus. He had opened up the emergency exit in the middle of the ceiling and stuck his head out. And then they went under a low-clearing bridge. "By the way," she ended, "it was his bar-mitzvah day--or night, rather--they were headed from the shul to the fancy party downtown."

How was he expected to believe a word she said when that is the story she told him the first time they met? How could that possibly be true? Were there even double-decker buses in Chicago? He certainly had never seen any. Yet he continued to hang out with her, the liar that she probably was.

Judgment Day

2010-01-18T12:23:00.001-06:00

After discovering the video of her little brother's bris on the shelf, Sarah decided she would relabel it Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Then, when his friends were over for his 9th birthday, she would slip it to him.

"I think your friends will really enjoy this," Sarah would say. "It's rated R, but I think you're now old enough to appreciate the gore."

This Book May Cause Drowsiness

2010-01-15T14:59:00.001-06:00

Had you grown up a twin, you would have known the joy of reading the first book in a series while your sister reads the second book of the series (both of you stretched out on your beds in your tiny shared bedroom). Every time she laughed, you would know that something good was coming. It was like a preview of the book, but rather than a plot synopsis, it was a mood synopsis. When your twin looked sad, it would also prepare you in a different way. And if your twin fell asleep, you would know to skip the second book.

My 50th Post Celebration = FLASH NONFICTION!!!

2010-01-13T14:06:00.005-06:00

Hello! I thought I'd do something special for my 50th post. Just because I've never ever had a blog before. This is--you know--kind of monumental. At least for me. So for a treat, I'm going to write some flash nonfiction for once.

I turned 25 yesterday. And today I'm writing my 50th post. These milestones dovetail nicely. I'd say it's probably one of the best things in the world when numbers align: when you can do some sort of simple math operation to the first number and then arrive at the second number--or some similar logic.

I love that. I long for that. I desperately search for that in my everyday life.

A friend of mine lives at a building numbered 2345. This makes me inordinately happy (too bad she is probably going to move away soon). The last four digits of my phone number spell out my name on a dailpad (please never call me from a rotary phone unless it looks something like this).

Once I heard a woman say: "the Internet has become my memory," and I think that's what this whole blog thing is about. It's like an external hard drive where I can aggregate the details I like, but that I will likely forget (I LOVE that the language we use to talk about our brains overlaps with the language we use to talk about our computers). Will I remember, in a year, how perfectly the numbers fit together this week? Before I started Sum-up Stories, my answer would be "no." But now I know I can just revisit this post at some point in the future and remember.

Christmas Beard

2010-01-07T15:49:00.000-06:00

Kasey liked Jim's beard and told him so.

"Oh really?" said Jim. "I've never grown a beard before."

"Yeah." Kasey reassured him. "It's good."

All the little hairs on his face shifted as Jim smiled. He suddenly felt a bit embarrassed by his new look and felt an explanation was necessary (it wasn't). "It's just, it gets so cold outside. I thought I'd grow a 'Christmas beard'--you know--for Christmas."

Kasey understood entirely.

Tattooed Lady

2010-01-05T11:17:00.001-06:00

Stella waited until she was 90 to get a tattoo. She first wanted one when she was 16, but as a sensible girl who knew her own mind to be fickle, she reasoned against it so she'd have nothing to regret when she was older. They say that tattoos are addictive, and they are--by the time she was 95, Stella had a whole sleeve. She imagined that she might be the only 90-something tattooed lady whose tattoos weren't stretched out. This thought made her feel superior, so she thought it often.

Start Your Day Right

2009-12-29T13:23:00.000-06:00

"Ugh!"

Pete had put toothpaste on the wrote side of his toothbrush.
Now his whole day was ruined.

Do I What?

2009-12-29T08:59:00.000-06:00

She told him: "I love you."
He replied: "I don't love you."

That kind of put a damper on the relationship.

Oxygen

2009-12-21T12:46:00.000-06:00

Seymore reported that his 103-year-old neighbor at his assisted-living residence was doing well:

"They just put her on oxygen."

Then he started laughing. Soon, the rest of the family joined in with the laughing. It must have been five minutes before Helen was successfully able to change the subject.

Donald O'Connor

2009-12-17T08:25:00.001-06:00

Lena believed that because she now knew how to knit in addition to knowing how to crochet, she was a double threat. Much in the same way, Donald O'Connor was a quadruple threat because he could dance, sing, act, and melt a person's face with his technicolor eyes.

She Said Egypt Made Her Violent

2009-12-14T11:58:00.000-06:00

She said Egypt made her violent. And she isn't usually a violent person. But in Egypt, she once made a man's face bloody because he wouldn't give her back her phone. Even as she punctured the skin on his face, he thought, "She's flirting. I'm getting somewhere." She wasn't flirting. She was just beating him up.

Have Tricycles

2009-12-07T10:02:00.002-06:00

"I hope it's okay," Emma said, "but I locked up my bike to yours because I couldn't find another spot."

"It's fine," said Pete. "But you realize, this means our bikes are married."

"Oh..." Emma left to find another place for her bike because her bike was very much afraid of commitment. That, and having tricycles.

Button Maker

2009-12-01T23:43:00.001-06:00

The only halfway-decent party in college was the one with the button maker. We just stood by the button maker for hours and made buttons. We didn't talk to anyone. We didn't even talk to each other much, except when we found a good image for a button in one of the magazines. No one wanted to talk to us anyway because we were--let's face it--being incredibly selfish. I wish I knew the girl who lived there because I meant to buy that blessed button maker off her for twenty bucks. I would offer ten, but then I'd let her bring it up to twenty after several rounds of negotiation so she could feel good about her bargaining skills. I'm a sweetheart like that.

The Girl You Loved in High School

2009-11-30T12:26:00.001-06:00

Included in the rules of monogamy is a small list. This list contains names of all the people you're allowed cheat on your partner with, and yet, somehow, still remain faithful. Of course, you'll probably never cross paths with the people on your list. And if you happen to encounter one by some strange stacking of events, you won't even have the option to cheat, because, by default, all the people on your list don't want you.

Historically, the Listed are famous people. Please now add to your list the girl you loved (from afar) in high school. She is famous in her own way. If the opportunity arises--take it. Your wife will understand.

Make Loves

2009-11-24T01:06:00.003-06:00

She said: "Let's make gloves."
And he heard: "Let's make loves."

He wasn't sure why she had used the plural of "love." Maybe she was being cute. Or maybe she was feeling exceptionally affectionate this afternoon. Rainy days can cause that sort of behavior. She was holding a crochet hook and just starting on something; a bit odd, considering her proposition.

She began what would eventually become the cuff of the right glove. But he kept on interrupting her with kisses. This seemed to always happen when she sat down to make gloves. She wondered at this correlation, but concluded that she'd never know the answer.

Waste of Shower

2009-11-22T23:32:00.005-06:00

Today I took a shower, and then I remembered that I had to go to my spinning class. WOS
I agree, you wasted a shower (564) -- You totally deserved it (4598)

The other day I took a shower and then went outside in my heavy winter coat when it was 60 degrees. The sun was shinning and everything. WOS
I agree, you wasted a shower (1493428) -- You totally deserved it (194)

Last week I took a shower, and then I went for a bike ride. And I forgot to put on deodorant!!! BTW, I was going to a party and no one would talk to me. WOS
I agree, you wasted a shower (8384392) -- You totally deserved it (83)

Today my husband told me that I needed to shower more. The thing is, I had showered that morning. I guess he just doesn't like my natural scent. WOS
I agree, you wasted a shower (3893) -- You totally deserved it (938737)

I took a shower LATE on Thursday night because I was going to hang out with friends I hadn't seen in two years on Friday afternoon. But I was so anxious to see my friends that I sweated all night. Thought about canceling plans, but decided to suck it up and reshower. WOS
I agree, you wasted a shower (3432) -- You totally deserved it (33432432)

This afternoon I took a shower and then a lady dumped red paint on my faux-fox ear muffs. They were on my ears at the time. And I'm allergic to red paint. WOS
I agree, you wasted a shower (2902) -- You totally deserved it (1890)

Tonight I was up on stage playing guitar. The lights on me were so hot that I basically just wasted the shower I had taken a couple hours before. I mean, what's the point? WOS
I agree, you wasted a shower (09324824380954) -- You totally deserved it (7)

Thanks to fmylife for the format of this Sum-up Story. End of Shower Trilogy.

Clean Sweat

2009-11-16T21:16:00.000-06:00

Sometimes immediately after taking a shower* you need to rush to the train. And in the rushing, you start to sweat. Horrible, I know.

But do not be afraid.

You are still as clean as you were straight out of the shower. Because this is clean sweat. After you dry off during your overly air-conditioned commute, you are good to go.

*If you have the faculties to stand during this shower, you should probably be standing, Erik.

Bad Showerer

2009-11-12T09:07:00.002-06:00

"Over the past year," Erik began, "I developed a bad shower habit."

Many odd definitions of "bad shower habit" came to Trisha's mind. Perhaps he now brushes his teeth in the shower? But that's not "bad." Not really. Maybe he stopped using conditioner? Trisha thought Erik's hair could be a bit shinier...

Erik continued, "Because I've been getting up so early for work--and I mean very early so I can talk to our overseas vendors--I've started taking showers...sitting."

His nasty shower habit developed slowly. At first it just seemed like a funny thing he did once when extremely tired. But soon, he realized that sit showering is violently addictive. Once you take a shower sitting, it's ridiculously hard to convince yourself to put in the extra effort required to stand up.

Trisha, unaware of the gravity of Erik's sit-shower confession, brought it up many times that night, exaggerating it to Erik lying down on the tub floor while showering. After a few mentions, the idea started to appeal to Erik. "I should try that," he thought.

Not Cool

2009-11-08T10:10:00.004-06:00

A maniac nearly doored Emma on Saturday night. She was riding downtown, which is very risky. But she was wearing a helmet and had flashy lights, making herself as visible and as safe as could be expected. She had had this great plan in her mind for the next time someone almost doored her. She would pull over, look back at the negligent car-exiters, and say:

"Hello. Did you know that opening a car door in the path of a biker is illegal? There's a $250 fine (Emma had made up that number). I should report you. I could have been thrown into traffic and smashed by that giant van. However, I'm not going to report you. All I ask in return is that you make sure no one's coming before you open your door into traffic in the future. After three violations, you will get your license suspended (Emma had also made up this fact). I'm just looking out for both of our interests. Thank you and good day."

Instead, when the door jutted out at her, she produced a high-pitch "Ahhh!" and yelled behind her, "NOT COOL!" as she continued riding, arms shaking.

"K" is for

2009-11-04T22:46:00.000-06:00

Never was a girl more pleased to see a tiny "K" Scrabble tile mounted on a pendant than Kim was that early fall afternoon.

"Oh my god. I need that."

And so window shopping became real shopping and perfectly content Kim became ecstatic Kim. When Kim saw her boyfriend that evening, he squinted at her necklace, his head slightly tilted. With a confused voice he asked, "Potassium?"

Cher

2009-11-02T13:35:00.004-06:00

Sandy's boss generously gave her carte blanche to remake her favorite film. Her last feature (an international box-office hit) was a spin on the Hobbit--set in an all-girls boarding school in 1960s England.

Her next film would be a remake of Clueless. Sandy's only requirements were that the characters have British accents, and that the ladies wear empire-waist dresses. The first because she liked British accents, and the second because she thought the empire silhouette was pretty (she saw it on ANTM--Oh! She'd have to ask Tyra to be in it!!!).
"That sets us in the early 1800s" the costume designer informed Sandy.

Her movie would be perfect and it would be unlike any other film or book that has ever been made. Except for Clueless, of course (whatever). And she would call it "Cher."

Speak to Him in Comic Sans

2009-10-28T10:13:00.004-05:00

"I hope he's not stupid."
Tara sat in the hospital bed waiting for her newborn to be cleaned off.
"I don't think I could ever love a stupid child, even if it was my stupid child."
The nurse handed Tara a swaddled mass.
Looking at her baby, Tara asked in her most motherly voice (which came out perversely, like spoken comic sans) "Does that make me a bad mother?"

Made for TV

2009-10-27T22:10:00.005-05:00

Laura's phone alarm went off at 10 pm.
How strange, Tara thought.
Laura then reached for her purse and pulled out her birth control. "That's my no-baby alarm," she explained (though everyone around had already figured it out).
Tara noted this. What a good idea. She always forgot to take her birth control.
Tara set her phone alarm to 10 pm.

The next time Laura and Tara hung out, both of their phone alarms when off at the same time. They looked at each other and said: "No babies."

Then there was a freeze frame and everyone was happy.

The Boy Who Cried Wool

2009-10-22T12:03:00.009-05:00

Harriet's new favorite blog: The Boy Who Cried Wool. The blogger, Ms. Kate, posts photos of wool items that her readers have accidentally shrunk down to comical sizes. She updates daily because this happens to everyone. The best posts include before-and-after pictures.

Harriet liked the pun in the title. She believed that a quality pun was a necessity for a good blog. She also valued the visual component. She could just look at the pictures without even reading the ridiculously clever bits about how this shrinkage came to be. And some days that's exactly what she wanted.

Her only fear was that Ms. Kate would get a book deal and then promptly stop posting. Then she'd have to change her whole pre-work routine.

Note from author: I really wish this blog existed. Please make it and send me the link.

ET Hygiene

2009-10-21T18:35:00.004-05:00

The man sitting behind Alex on the train sneezed loudly. Twice. He made no attempt to muffle the sneezes. Though she might have been imagining it, Alex definitely felt a rush of cold, wet air hit the back of her neck. She gagged. The man was too busy clipping his fingernails to notice the mean, hard stare Alex directed toward him.
Disgusting. Disgusting!
Alex tried to understand his point of view. "Oh, looks like my fingernails need trimming. Better get to that before I forget..."
No. Those were not human thoughts; they were alien.

Health Advice

2009-10-15T12:25:00.013-05:00

There's a set amount of ice cream you're allowed to eat in your lifetime. You can either eat it all before you're 30, or you can spread the ice-cream eating--more or less evenly--over your entire life span. If you eat all your allotted ice cream before you turn 30, then shortly after that, you will develop diabetes. And so, no more ice cream. Well, not real ice cream, anyway. If you spread it out over your entire life and die young, then the thing that will flash before your dying eyes is the fact that you should have eaten more ice cream while you still had the chance.

Crocheting Takes Another

2009-10-12T09:25:00.012-05:00

"Has anyone ever died while crocheting?" Cassie wondered aloud while making a hat.
Double crochet. Double crochet. Front post double crochet.

"I'm not talking about dying from old age while you happen to be crocheting--I'm sure that happens all the time. But has any (relatively healthy) individual ever died because she was so involved in a crochet project that she forgot to eat?"
Double crochet. Double crochet. Front post double crochet.

"I know that this has happened to video-game players that have gotten so enthralled in a game that they starve to death. Why would crocheting be any different?"
Double crochet. Double crochet. Front post double crochet.

The other day Cassie had woken up at 8am and crocheted on until 1pm without a thought of food or drink. On top of that she had started talking to herself while crocheting.
Were these warning signs? Should she be worried? Was there a hot line?

The Mouth That Holds These Teeth

2009-10-09T09:40:00.006-05:00

Will was a decent dentist. But he had this little problem of falling in love with any pretty lady who happened to be a good flosser. It didn't happen often, but it happened often enough. Perhaps every other month or so, he would look inside a mouth and find a goldmine of virtuous hygiene.

Of course he wouldn't make a move. He wanted to see this woman again, if only to silently admire her beautiful teeth. And so, for the couple months of infatuation, he would keep a copy of her x-rays with him at all times. At night when he couldn't fall asleep, he'd pull them out from under his pillow and hold them up to his bedside lamp, thinking, "I could kiss the mouth that holds these teeth."

+ & =

2009-10-06T18:11:00.002-05:00

Hank was apprehensive about getting his math teacher to write his scholarship recommendation. It wasn't that Mr. Garth didn't like him; Hank was his second favorite student that year. It was just that Hank wasn't sure that Mr. Garth could write prose (having only so far experienced Mr. Garth's equations and proofs). Hank's fear was that his recommendation would read something like: "Hank + school = winning combo." He would have preferred an actual letter, or at least a more complicated equation.

Unintentional Collection

2009-10-04T21:47:00.009-05:00

Once Jane asked Grandma Lila if she liked elephants. The answer was obviously going to be "yes" because Lila's entire house was decorated with an elephant motif. She had several dozen elephant figurines, matching elephant flower pots, elephant pillows, elephant playing cards, an elephant ash tray, an elephant tea kettle, and even a large elephant needlepoint (featured prominently on the living room wall).

"Eh..." Grandma Lila replied instead.
Turns out she never really cared for elephants.

The collection wasn't a collection at first; it was just three carved elephants Lila's daughter brought back from India. Whenever Lila entertained company, the guests--upon seeing the elephants proudly displayed on the buffet--would assume that this was the modest beginnings of an elephant collection. And so began the I-saw-this-[elephant]-and-thought-of-you gifts. At first this confused Lila, but she dutifully displayed all the trinkets she received because she was polite and that's just what you do. The elephants soon grew from a few odd items to a full-blown collection (including an unskillfully but lovingly crafted "elephant" Jane made with clay in grade school).

And now that Jane's grandparents have moved out of their house and into homes, the elephants are dispersed among the children and the grandchildren. Jane thinks the big needlepoint one would look nice on her wall. Hopefully it won't start another unintentional elephant collection because she has enough crap as it is.

Shampoo/Conditioner

2009-09-30T07:23:00.014-05:00

The shampoo and conditioner bottles were the same size. This was odd.

Jenny realized that, on average, she used at least twice as much shampoo as conditioner. Meaning, when she bought the two products together, the one would always last over twice as long. She wondered why the manufacturers would do such a thing as not package the conditioner in a bottle half the size and then charge the same price. I am good at business, Jenny thought.

But then she realized that this apparent nonsense might actually be a sort of twisted business plan. Because shampoo/conditioner sets each had their own unique scent and hair effect, perhaps this was an effort to get more product off the shelf. If you have half a bottle of Seriously Smooth Piña Colada Conditioner, there's no way you can go out and buy a bottle of Curly Whirl Tea Tree and Peppermint Shampoo. So it's back to Seriously Smooth Piña Colada Shampoo for a few more months. And then when the conditioner is gone and there's still some shampoo left, time to buy more Seriously Smooth Piña Colada Conditioner again. Jenny, not wanting to confuse the senses of the people who breathed her on her morning commute, continued her disenchanted relation to the hair-product industry.

The World Seems Smaller [Based on a True Story]

2009-09-25T11:14:00.010-05:00

"It's not even like she's in Tours," Jane thought.
"It's like she's in New York."

Jane's twin had left Chicago two days ago to teach English in France for a year. Because of the glorious internet, however, Jane did not feel herself missing Diana in the same way she imagined people used to miss each other. She wasn't even sure she was capable of missing someone in the way people used to miss each other. The web had spoiled her.

If Diana had just moved to New York, Jane would probably visit her maybe twice throughout the year. And Diana would visit Jane twice, too. Those would be weekend visits adding up to a total of about 14 days. Jane was planning on visiting Diana once while she was in France. She would probably stay for about a month. And when she thought on it, that was really twice as much face-to-face time in a year than the sisters would have gotten if Diana had not moved so far away.

I suppose Jane would have had more time during the non-visits to call Diana on the phone when Diana would be awake. Though it had only been two days, Jane had twice wanted to call Diana at what she considered an inconsiderate hour. And so she didn't. But Jane was sure that with time, these urges would soon end.

Tea Triumph

2009-09-22T09:31:00.002-05:00

Liza liked to give herself little challenges to complete everyday. Mostly because she liked keeping checklists. Today's challenge was drink 8 cups of tea. So far she had 6 cups: 2 cups of Moroccan Mint Green Tea, 2 cups of Sweet Mexican Chili tea (she used the same teabag for 2 cups because she was running low), 1 cup of chamomile tea (with honey), and 1 cup of pomegranate tea. She was almost there! Yay!

She liked that her daily challenges allowed her to feel accomplished by doing things she was going to do anyway. Liza believed that in simulating the rush of actually being accomplished, she was somehow bringing herself a bit closer to completing her life goals, whatever they happened to be.

Horses Sweat/Men Perspire/Women Glow

2009-09-16T08:35:00.007-05:00

Emma asked Pete how the "sweat factor" on his new road bike compared to that of his old bike.
After a moment of thoughtful evaluation, Pete replied, "It was much easier to ride, and I got to work ten minutes faster."
"Yes," Emma said, "but what I'm really interested in, is if you were disgusting when you arrived at work."
Pete looked upward as if searching his brain for the most precise phrase. "Well," he started, "I think that if I were a woman, people would have said I was glowing."

Though Pete was not aware of it, his coworkers had used the word "glowing" to describe him earlier that day.

That Was Yum!

2009-09-13T11:07:00.006-05:00

You could tell Lilly loved food when she talked about what she had made for dinner the night before. While the conversation only required that she name the dish, she went beyond expectations by giving the entire recipe, starting with: "Preheat the oven to 200 degrees."

When she described the ingredients, her face contorted to muppet-like expressions of excitement. "Then you cut the tomatoes so thin that they're translucent." Lilly mimed holding up a tomato and peering through it.

The rose-tinted screen of the mimed tomato made Lilly feel a bit nostalgic. She'd have to run home and eat the leftovers as soon as it was polite to leave.

Garlic Hands

2009-09-09T18:44:00.003-05:00

When he couldn't fall asleep at night, Omar would cup his hands over his nose and breath in the sweet, sweet scent of his favorite herb: garlic. It calmed him, he supposed. He purposely cooked with garlic every night so the odor would linger on his fingers. He loved feeling it seep out through his pores, covering his entire body in garlicy wonder. It's like a perfume, he would tell himself. A perfume that would protect him against the vampires.

Babytalk

2009-09-09T11:36:00.003-05:00

Jackie didn't appreciate being spoken to as if she were a child. She was six years old, after all, and she knew what was what. A while ago, she had made up her mind never to speak condescendingly to anyone. In fact, she treated all the three-, four-, and five-year-olds she knew with respect, even if they were immature for their ages.

Productivity

2009-09-05T09:56:00.009-05:00

People assumed that since Andrew didn't have a tv, he was more productive than people who had tvs. He probably read more books, responded to more emails, cleaned his bathroom more, and cooked more extravagant meals. The truth was, Andrew was no more productive than someone with a television, because all the time he would have spent watching tv (had he owned one) he spent staring at a small water stain on his wall. He wasn't even gazing at the stain--it would be more accurate to say that he was gazing in the direction of the stain. The stain, itself, did not register in Andrew's mind, because nothing registered in his mind during his stare-at-the-wall time. He preferred it that way.

The Charleston

2009-09-02T10:17:00.002-05:00

Max firmly believed that he could dance the Charleston to any song, and he practiced this belief at weddings and bar mitzvahs. His favorite move was when you squat down and cross your arms over your legs as they flap together, creating a sort of optical illusion. So simple, yet so clever. Max wished he knew the name of that move because he was sure it was something good.

Jaywalker

2009-08-31T10:08:00.006-05:00

"That's odd," thought Maria. The man in front of her just jaywalked while eating peanut M&Ms. In the middle of the street he dropped a yellow one. Even though there were cars coming (and he shouldn't have really been there at that moment anyway) he swooped down and picked up the M&M. What? How reckless of him! Was he going to eat it? No. At least not right away. He held it as he finished crossing the street and then, to Maria's shock, tossed it in the garbage.

"That's very odd," thought Maria as the walk signal turned white and she crossed in the same path as the peanut-M&M man. She wondered if she would have risked reducing her visibility like that--even if she would be littering if she didn't. Hard to tell.

Persuasion [Spoiler Alert]

2009-08-27T09:10:00.015-05:00

Anabel loved Persuasion and told Craig so.
"There's this one moment when Anne passes Mr. Elliot for the first time. They make eye contact in mutual appreciation of each other's attractiveness. Even though he turns out to be not so cool in the end, I still really liked that moment. It just felt real. You know?"
Craig looked at Anabel in disbelief.
"I thought it was awful. Exceedingly dull. The one thing that happened in that rubbish book was a girl fell down some steps."
Anabel wanted to slap Craig even though Jane Austen wouldn't have approved.

Cheating Death II

2009-08-25T09:58:00.003-05:00

As the conductor walked by, she held her book closer to her face.
"Tickets!"
The trick is to look like you're so completely absorbed in your reading that you couldn't possibly have just gotten on the train. Of course you've already paid.
"Tickets!"
She could feel him standing over her. He was trying to process the information before him. He didn't remember seeing her ticket, so she must have just gotten on the train. But no one can become so interested in a book after a minute. No. That simply wouldn't happen. And all young women look the same these days. Floppy wool hats. Coats. Purses. Shoes. Hair.
"Tickets!"
He passed her now quickly, exiting the train car. A new flood of passengers boarded. She had done it.
"Tickets!"
What a thrill. This is it. This is living.

Cheating Death I

2009-08-23T11:01:00.008-05:00

"Happy birthday! How does it feel to be 61?"
"It's better than being 60," George responded. It was.

George had gotten his palm read once in his life. He was in college then. During this fateful session, the fortune teller told him he would die at the age of 60. George had never spoken of this to anyone. But from then on, he lived in a certain degree of fear.

It wasn't a debilitating fear. Rather it was a fear that was so distant that he almost never thought about it. Until he turned 60. Then every morning he would say to himself, "Well, today's the day." On the last day of his 60th year, he knew he would die.

When he somehow survived, he felt utterly immortal. He had cheated death. Who knows why or how, but he had made it. Nothing could end him now.

No Poodle Skirt for You

2009-08-21T11:23:00.013-05:00

The girl was well-behaved today. She must want something.
"I need a poodle skirt for Jessica's party."
Not again. What was it with kids throwing themed birthday parties? Helen didn't have the time or energy to make a skirt that the girl would wear only once. She hated sewing for other people. Additionally, she was a perfectionist. There was no way she could make a perfect poodle skirt, so she wouldn't even attempt it. Luckily, she had 32 years on the girl and was well-practiced in outsmarting her.
"Is it a poodle-skirt party? Or a 50s party?"
The girl thought for a second. She could tell her mother was about to trick her. She must tread carefully.
"It's a 50s party . . . but everyone knows that means poodle skirts."
"You know, I was your age during the 50s. And not once did I wear a poodle skirt."
The girl appealed to pathos, "But everyone else will be wearing a poodle skirt. I can't go in no costume like last time. Everyone kept asking me why I didn't dress up. It was embarrassing."
Helen knew how to handle this one. She pulled a black turtleneck from her dresser.
"You'll go as a beatnik."
What's a beatnik? the girl wondered. Her mom was so lame.

Oilies Are So Wonderful

2009-08-17T08:34:00.010-05:00

Hank was jealous of his sister's sticker collection. He was. She had them all: oilies, scratch 'n sniff, fuzzies, puffies, black magic. WHAT a marvelous sticker collection. Not fair.

This Age

2009-08-13T10:21:00.005-05:00

There certainly was a lot of ageism these days, Esther thought. Ever since she turned 70, she had been noticing small changes in the way people treated her. They would talk more slowly and loudly to her, despite the fact that her mind was as sharp as it was when she was in her 20s. Sometimes she would reply in the same slow and loud way, mocking ignorant speakers. But this only caused people to speak even more slowly and loudly. Good heavens. Esther wondered how she would be treated when she was actually old. Better not to think about it.

Not Morbid at All

2009-08-04T08:58:00.006-05:00

Tim wasn't planning on dying any time soon. But he liked to be prepared. So every Sunday, he surveyed the botanical gardens for a bench, a tree, a flower patch, or maybe even a small foot bridge that would be prefect for his memorial plaque. He didn't consider this a morbid exercise. Not at all. If he wanted to be morbid, he would instead think, "When I die, I will rot in the earth. The end." But here he could appreciate the life that comes from the decomposing humus. He saw the memorial plaque not as a mark-the-spot tombstone, but as a means of outliving his human years.

Wouldn't it be nice to have two sisters sitting on his bench years after he died? They would see his name and make up fantastical stories about his life and his great deeds. That decided it; his plaque would be mounted on a bench. Anyway, benches were probably cheaper than bridges.

The Daily Struggle

2009-07-31T08:14:00.009-05:00

Sarah looked at her reflection in the mirror. Good. But could it be better? She put on her thick, squarish glasses. Nice. But did she look ever-so-slightly more pretty without the glasses? Maybe. She removed them. Yes. This was a great look. But then again, she thought she might look a bit more edgy and interesting with her glasses on. Definitely.

Was it raining? If it was, wearing her glasses in the rain was Sarah's least favorite thing. That and addressing envelopes. It was raining. So no glasses. Anyway, this way people could appreciate her beautifully make-uped eyes.

Wait! She could just use an umbrella. As long as the rain wasn't overly horizontal, then all would be well.

Nutella Fate

2009-07-29T22:51:00.013-05:00

The Nutella is two for one at Jewel! It was meant to be!

The Nutella is out of reach on the top shelf! This is chance. But what seems like a curse might be a blessing.

A tall man is walking by! This is a sign! I'm meant to eat the Nutella.

This time I will not eat it all in a week. I will not.
Unless I'm meant to eat it in a week.
Who am I to stand in the way of the grand, cosmic plan?

Disillusionment at Age Seven

2009-07-27T09:15:00.006-05:00

Diana was very excited to watch Barbie and the Rockers: Out of This World. After all, she loved coming up with fun stories about her Barbie. And brushing her hair. And waking up her mom at 6am on a Saturday to help change Barbie's outfit. But after watching the 25-minute special, she felt disappointed.

It's not that the cartoon wasn't engaging, because it was. Barbie plays a concert in outer space! She wears lots of pink. She is too beautiful. But, somehow, that didn't seem to be enough. They practiced for the concert. They arrived at the venue. They played the show. Everything went smoothly. Nothing went wrong. No one was nervous. It was just a series of events. Where's the conflict, Diana wondered?

That evening Diana would give Barbie a haircut.

Fear of Birds

2009-07-26T11:11:00.009-05:00

A second-grade teacher told her class a fun fact: birds like to peck at shiny objects. All the children accepted this fact and moved on with their lives. At the most, they recited it to their parents at family dinners in response to "what did you learn in school?"

Except Amy. Moments after she heard this news, she realized another scary truth: her eyes are shiny.

This led to a few too many years of trying to squint whenever she saw a pigeon or a cardinal. Do squirrels like shiny objects too? She included them in her eye-salvage efforts. How about dogs? Cats? Sure. All animals like shiny things.

Then, in sixth grade, Amy got glasses. Which are always shiny. Too difficult to cover. At least now there'd be a shield between the vicious animals and her precious, precious eyes.

Compliment Box

2009-07-24T16:02:00.005-05:00

"You've got nice hair," Lizzie read to herself. She'd only read three so far and it was already working. She picked up another slip of carefully folded paper. It had been folded and unfolded so many times that it felt more like cloth than the starched paper it was. "I think you might be the smartest girl in our class." Now Lizzie was positively beaming. Three years ago, she had started writing down all the compliments people paid her--by now she had collected 22. She put each compliment in a little box in her dresser drawer. Whenever she felt down, she'd read the compliments, one by one, until she felt like she was a contributing member of society who deserved to be loved. "You deserve to be loved." She had written that one herself, but it still counted.

An Introduction

2009-07-23T18:12:00.005-05:00

Hello. How are you? It was grand of you to come.

Ever since I read Short Short Stories by Dave Eggers, I've wanted to blog flash fiction. Blogs are really a perfect format for that type of short short story. They allow you to write quick little things that stand alone, but somehow compliment each other (if only because they are all written by the same person).

I'll try to have illustrations for some of my entries. I wish flash fiction was illustrated more often--it could be a sort of picture book for grown ups. So many thanks to my friend Lizzy Stewart for that component.

Hope you enjoy my stories!